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Joshua... WOWWW. =]
Tuesday. 4.28.09 10:39 am
he is HONESTLY, THE MOST amazing guy i've ever been with.

par none.

he makes me so happy. words cant describe the way he makes me feel. well actually... yeah it can, but its gonna be helluh long, lol. and i'm going to attempt to write it for you guys.

it's so weird that we've only been together for 2 weeks. (crazy huh?) but it just feels like so much longer, and I really feel like we can have these feelings for each other for a really long time. well, at least i can. we've already had our ups and downs but thats gonna happen throughout this entire relationship, however long we wanna ride it out. for me, i don't wanna get off. rollercoaster ride or merry go round, its gonna be a ride no matter what.

the thing about him is, is that i feel so comfortable talking and opening up to him, in the past 2 weeks we've spent almost everyday together, having heart to hearts, having fun, getting to know each other, yelling at each other and stuff. he's starting to become one of my best friends. and i'm so grateful for that. i really think that being in a relationship with someone who is also your best friend really strengthens your bond with each other, because you always know that you will have fun with each other, and can talk to each other. i've never really had a connection with someone like that before, and its such a new feeling, and truthfully, i cry... well almost cry about it. call me crazy or stupid, but thats just the way i feel. i can't help it. i am just really thankful that he is not the guy that's just out there for a "hit it and quit it" moment.

even though he has this not so great past, it doesn't change the way i feel about him, it just makes me like him more, and makes me want to cuddle with him and tell him that i'm here now, and i'm gonna make things better and i'm gonna help him experience things he's never experienced before... ickkkk, now i sound really arrogant and ya'll know how much i hate that, but really... i don't know how to explain it, but he really irritates me with all these stories about his past and it reallly does get to me, it hurts really badly because i'm afraid that if i don't impress him, he'll relapse and go back to the way he was and leave me. i guess that's just my insecurities talking but its how i'm used to thinking after having it happen to me so many times before. but the thing is is that i want to try with him.

if i didn't like him as much as i do now, i wouldve already left him. but i don't want to. i feel like he wants to really be with me, and that makes me want to be with him. the fact that he wants to be with me, and he enjoys it and wants to spend more time with me makes me jump for joy. literally. i haven't felt this way in such a long time.

i know, 2 weeks doesn't sound that long... and it really isn't. but if we have these feelings now, thats great! if it dies down, it dies down, and i really don't want that to happen. that's one of the many things i'm afraid of... is that he'll get bored with me. and its so hard trying to not be that way. even though i don't think i'm boring at all, you never know what the other person thinks, you know? but again, thats my insecurities showing. i need to be more outgoing... even though i am, i just need to not overanalyze the things that are great and break them down into something negative... because when you really look at the picture. there's really nothing negative about us. i am so happy with him, and i like to think that he's happy with me.

but it's scary because... i don't live in the past, i really don't. it GETS to me, yes. but the past is the past and i, nor we can change it. with Josh, i know he's had a crazy past. but it doesn't affect my feelings for him. it makes me re-think some things but i really like him. nothing can change that. really. the way i see things is that, even if you hurt me, physically or mentally, i'll still like you, its just that you hurt me, and morally, thats wrong. you have no right to hurt me and i have to right to hurt you. simple as that. also, i defiintely don't agree with the things that he's done before, but i have to move past that. and i try to. but it's gonna take time for me to do that. only because i'm afraid that in the future, it might happen again. but you never know, it might or it might not. i guess i have to stop overanalyzing things and just live my life with him accordingly, and hopefully he'll want to live his with me. is that dumb? wanting someone to live their life with you after just 2 weeks? idk, it's how i feel. it might change it might get stronger, i don't know. thats what i'm afraid of, i'm always used to having a plan, but with Josh, he's an open book. he lives in the now. i live in the future.
well... not really IN the future, just i think about my life in the near future and what is gonna happen and where i'm gonna be and who i'm gonna be with. hopefully with him. but like i said, you never know. i can only hope for the best, and try to make it that way. hmm... all i know is right now... i'm really content with my life. with him. =]

and then there's that question of love... am i in love with him? no. not yet. what am i talking about? lol, no, i'm not in love with him. but i could see it happening. if things keep going the way it's going, this could eventually turn into love within the next year. well, thats just looking at things prospectively... things could change... so i'm gonna strive to make sure that this relationship will go the way i want it too, and hope that he will have the same values and views that i do. but honestly, no, i don't love him, and i'm okay with that. =]. i'm not moving too fast with him, and i'm really okay with that. i don't feel the need to say bullshit to get what i want, 1) because he won't fall for it and 2) i have too much respect for him AND myself to do something like that. thats why i wanna take it slow with him. to see if he REALLY deserves what i want to give him. not just my hormones taking over and wanting it badly, but knowing that he waited all this time and stayed with me all this time to wait for me, is a really big turn on mentally and physically. it shows that he's down for me. and i would like to have that feeling.

i'm very much in like with him though.

i don't care about what anyone says, it's the way i feel and it makes us both happy, so i'm gonna live it the way i want. and not take anything for granted, and work to make this the best relationship i've ever had.

Joshua baby. You don't mean the world to me today, but "one day, is all it takes for things to turn around now, all i know is i got you and

you got me babe, and when that morning comes, i'll make coffee and you'll read the paper, we'll talk

about our plans and i'll keep saying how lucky we are."

and thats just the beginning. =]

sleeeepy time.

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Recommended by 1 Member

That entry made me smile.

I have an odd Jesus complex where I have to be the savior. It seems like I am attracted to people with some sort of problem. A damaged-goods magnet. Hell, I just found out the guy I'm interested in used to be a dealer and for some reason that just makes me... more interested. Is it the edge I'm after? Maybe. I like to think I can be a positive influence... but sometimes I think I might need a little bit of a negative one as well.

I don't know. Maybe I just like digging deep to find the gold in the mine. Hidden treasures? Sign me up. It's hard work, but in the end I'll be filthy rich, right?
» ranor on 2009-04-28 12:50:04

Not selfish. Everything's a two way street. You can't give so much of yourself and not find some way to get something back in return. Or at least, you rationalize the exchange to make it seem like less of an inequitable exchange, haha.

Wow, that sounded a little depressing, but I totally didn't mean it that way!
» ranor on 2009-04-29 10:48:35

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