Joshua... WOWWW. =]
Tuesday. 4.28.09 10:39 am
he is HONESTLY, THE MOST amazing guy i've ever been with.
he makes me so happy. words cant describe the way he makes me feel. well actually... yeah it can, but its gonna be helluh long, lol. and i'm going to attempt to write it for you guys.
it's so weird that we've only been together for 2 weeks. (crazy huh?) but it just feels like so much longer, and I really feel like we can have these feelings for each other for a really long time. well, at least i can. we've already had our ups and downs but thats gonna happen throughout this entire relationship, however long we wanna ride it out. for me, i don't wanna get off. rollercoaster ride or merry go round, its gonna be a ride no matter what.
the thing about him is, is that i feel so comfortable talking and opening up to him, in the past 2 weeks we've spent almost everyday together, having heart to hearts, having fun, getting to know each other, yelling at each other and stuff. he's starting to become one of my best friends. and i'm so grateful for that. i really think that being in a relationship with someone who is also your best friend really strengthens your bond with each other, because you always know that you will have fun with each other, and can talk to each other. i've never really had a connection with someone like that before, and its such a new feeling, and truthfully, i cry... well almost cry about it. call me crazy or stupid, but thats just the way i feel. i can't help it. i am just really thankful that he is not the guy that's just out there for a "hit it and quit it" moment.
even though he has this not so great past, it doesn't change the way i feel about him, it just makes me like him more, and makes me want to cuddle with him and tell him that i'm here now, and i'm gonna make things better and i'm gonna help him experience things he's never experienced before... ickkkk, now i sound really arrogant and ya'll know how much i hate that, but really... i don't know how to explain it, but he really irritates me with all these stories about his past and it reallly does get to me, it hurts really badly because i'm afraid that if i don't impress him, he'll relapse and go back to the way he was and leave me. i guess that's just my insecurities talking but its how i'm used to thinking after having it happen to me so many times before. but the thing is is that i want to try with him.
if i didn't like him as much as i do now, i wouldve already left him. but i don't want to. i feel like he wants to really be with me, and that makes me want to be with him. the fact that he wants to be with me, and he enjoys it and wants to spend more time with me makes me jump for joy. literally. i haven't felt this way in such a long time.
i know, 2 weeks doesn't sound that long... and it really isn't. but if we have these feelings now, thats great! if it dies down, it dies down, and i really don't want that to happen. that's one of the many things i'm afraid of... is that he'll get bored with me. and its so hard trying to not be that way. even though i don't think i'm boring at all, you never know what the other person thinks, you know? but again, thats my insecurities showing. i need to be more outgoing... even though i am, i just need to not overanalyze the things that are great and break them down into something negative... because when you really look at the picture. there's really nothing negative about us. i am so happy with him, and i like to think that he's happy with me.
but it's scary because... i don't live in the past, i really don't. it GETS to me, yes. but the past is the past and i, nor we can change it. with Josh, i know he's had a crazy past. but it doesn't affect my feelings for him. it makes me re-think some things but i really like him. nothing can change that. really. the way i see things is that, even if you hurt me, physically or mentally, i'll still like you, its just that you hurt me, and morally, thats wrong. you have no right to hurt me and i have to right to hurt you. simple as that. also, i defiintely don't agree with the things that he's done before, but i have to move past that. and i try to. but it's gonna take time for me to do that. only because i'm afraid that in the future, it might happen again. but you never know, it might or it might not. i guess i have to stop overanalyzing things and just live my life with him accordingly, and hopefully he'll want to live his with me. is that dumb? wanting someone to live their life with you after just 2 weeks? idk, it's how i feel. it might change it might get stronger, i don't know. thats what i'm afraid of, i'm always used to having a plan, but with Josh, he's an open book. he lives in the now. i live in the future.
well... not really IN the future, just i think about my life in the near future and what is gonna happen and where i'm gonna be and who i'm gonna be with. hopefully with him. but like i said, you never know. i can only hope for the best, and try to make it that way. hmm... all i know is right now... i'm really content with my life. with him. =]
and then there's that question of love... am i in love with him? no. not yet. what am i talking about? lol, no, i'm not in love with him. but i could see it happening. if things keep going the way it's going, this could eventually turn into love within the next year. well, thats just looking at things prospectively... things could change... so i'm gonna strive to make sure that this relationship will go the way i want it too, and hope that he will have the same values and views that i do. but honestly, no, i don't love him, and i'm okay with that. =]. i'm not moving too fast with him, and i'm really okay with that. i don't feel the need to say bullshit to get what i want, 1) because he won't fall for it and 2) i have too much respect for him AND myself to do something like that. thats why i wanna take it slow with him. to see if he REALLY deserves what i want to give him. not just my hormones taking over and wanting it badly, but knowing that he waited all this time and stayed with me all this time to wait for me, is a really big turn on mentally and physically. it shows that he's down for me. and i would like to have that feeling.
i'm very much in like with him though.
i don't care about what anyone says, it's the way i feel and it makes us both happy, so i'm gonna live it the way i want. and not take anything for granted, and work to make this the best relationship i've ever had.
Joshua baby. You don't mean the world to me today, but "one day, is all it takes for things to turn around now, all i know is i got you and
you got me babe, and when that morning comes, i'll make coffee and you'll read the paper, we'll talk
about our plans and i'll keep saying how lucky we are."
and thats just the beginning. =]
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my one true love
Saturday. 3.28.09 12:59 pm
i don't remember how many times i've written about love... but i feel like this will be this wont be the last time...
what is love? i have no idea. but to me, i think it's when you know that your comfortable with this person your with, and that you could see yourself living with this person and that your life will be BETTER with this person in the future, through thick and thin. day and night. love and lust. i haven't felt love from someone other than my family in a very long time, and i'm beginning to miss it. but the thing is is that i don't just wanna jump into something that i don't know what's gonna come out of it, you know?
i would like to date. i would like to confide into someone intimately. i would love to cuddle with someone on a dreary day like today. i would like to someone to go running with me in the mornings or at night. i would love to have late night talks and fooling around. i would love for my family to have dinner with this person and be happy for me. i would love to have simple romantic nights, and i would love to have super romantic nights. i would love to be in love. but i don't wanna be in love with the fact of being in love. i want the real thing.
is that weird?
i know, i ask that question a lot, but really. someone my age wants to be in love. i'm not saying i wanna find it now, but eventually. it'll come to me when it comes to me, but i guess i'm just lonely. yeah, i have friends and what-not but they are just friends. i want a spark. i want someone whom i wanna see everyday, who wants to see me everyday. who'll lay in my arms while i sing them to sleep. who will accept me for who i am. whom i can trust and be honest with. who i will accept for who they are. who will listen to me cry and bitch and moan. who i can listen to them bitch and moan. who'll laugh at my un-comical jokes and participate in my families crazy antics and i can in his. i want a guy whose mine, as i am his.
sometimes i think that i'm gonna be alone forever... only because society these days, it seems like everyone is in a relationship, just to be in a relationship, or they're just out for sex. sometimes i just feel like i think differently about things than... most people. and when i talk to people about it, they always say that... blahhh, blah blah your too young to be in love, enjoy being young, blah blah blah. but to me, that just makes me mad. because they don't KNOW the way i feel.
i really HATE boasting about myself... i don't like to put myself over others, and saying i'm better than others, because I'M NOT. i know i'm not better than you. all i can do is be better than the person i was before... but what i do know is that i have a big heart, but i FEEL (not KNOW) i FEEL like i'm too mature for my age. is that arrogant of me to say? i hope not. but really... i feel that way. i haven't met someone who has the same views as me or anything like that. i haven't met someone who would level me out, and bring me down to my 19 year old side. yes, i do have it, but i constantly think about the future and what it may hold and how i'm living and how what i do now, is going to affect me later. i can be immature... when i'm around the right people. and it makes me crazy. i just hope a lot of the things i've done in the past don't haunt me in the future. even they might, i'm trying to prepare for that day. soooooo as you can see. a lot goes through my tiny little head. which sucks, but i can't change the way i feel.
it's so difficult.
okay i'm done with that little tangent.
i think this has inspired me to write a new song. not very many things inspire me i think because i'm a difficult person. it takes a while for things to come to me and i feel like now, something has. like, i don't write a lot of songs, because i'm not inspired too. and when i am, it turns out great, and i'm like... how the hell did i write this song because this isn't something i would really play or sing. it's a like a little baton of musicality that conducts me until i come out with a song.
when did this blog about romance and relationships turn into a blog about music? lol.
i guess, music will always be my one true love.
My Everything - Adrey&&Tair
Sunday. 10.26.08 2:31 am
this is me and my cousin singing My Everything by Randolf and Cathy
My Everything - Adrey&&Tair
i hope you find someone new, because i'm not the one for you
Saturday. 10.25.08 6:22 pm
I can feel the hot Arizona air, turning to a cold winter breeze.... And I FUCKING HATE IT!!!
Anyways, times are harder than ever for this last month and a half that Iím here. Saving up money is DEFINITELY proving to be harder than ever. Staying out of a relationship is proving to be easier than I thought. And moving away from my friends is gonna be the hardest thing im gonna be going through.
Anyways, as most of you people know, I cut my hair. Its like... the shortest its EVER been... ever. Its so crazy and I also forget that I cut it until I like run my hand over my head, or look in the mirror... its achange, but its a good one. And I felt like I needed it. Lol. Plus, my hair will grow evenly all over, lol. Its so crazy! I just cut my hair like... a week or 2 ago, and its already starting to grow back. Haha. Wow. And im excited for my black hair. Im sick of dying it, lol.
Im starting to get a more healthier... lifestyle. Well trying to at least. I can start to look as good as I want. Im starting to eat more and stop looking so damn skinny. Eating 3 times a day, trying to pick more healthier substitutes for food, lol. Hopefully that'll work for me, but is a really hard process, especially when your trying to save money. Being healthy can definitely get expensive. So that by the time I move, ill be sexy as ever. Or at least by January =D. But I really wanna look amazing for Halloween for my Aladdin costume. Lol. Jank huh? But I totally finished it and it looks amazing. I cant wait to wear it next Saturday for the Halloween party. W00t w00t.
Friendships are harder to maintain nowadays. I haven't made up with Tiffany. And in a way, I miss her, but in another way, its probably better. I really don't think we can repair our friendship like it was before. Not now anyways. I just feel like I can see her in the same light anymore. Whatever. Some people are starting to piss me off more now. Its like, Iím so done with your immaturity, your lies, your trash talking, your unreliability, YOU. It just sucks. But I guess its a good thing Iím moving, to get away from that. But no one can replace the few AMAZING friends that I have: Rochelle, Cheri, Jennifer, Alyse, Mathew, Chris, Chris, and Sierra. Those are down ass people. And I love them all. But really, friendship is such a hard thing to come by nowadays.
Relationships are harder. Especially with the trust issues I have. Or should I say, too much trust and trusting too early. I realized that I have a trust problem. Its not really a problem with trusting people, its more a problem of I trust them too much. Then I FREAK out on what should I care about, should I care about this, or that, or am I getting myself into something I shouldn't, or blah blah blah, and it just... frustrates me! You know? Its not something I can just look over but its the way I think. And I guess I just need to tone it down a little bit. =/.
Idk, but that way I feel... I guess. I honestly hate it. I really do, and Iíd much rather be alone in life than have my trust issues. But I do so I have to live with it. I mean I cant help the way I feel, you know. If you donít like it, well, you donít have to. Iím not gonna change my whole being for someone whom I THINK I might have a chance with because you never know whats gonna happen in the future. All you can do really is hope. Itís a very fickle thing, I think. And I really like having a companion, a partner in crime, a clyde to my bonnie, a peanut butter to my jelly, and banana to my nut loaf and so on. I really donít like it when people are being shady to me. And it makes it harder if your in a different state because you really donít know whats going on. You can really start to like someone but not really know who the real person is until youíve met them. And it really sucks not knowing who they are because they can be as fake as a press ons. Or hair extensions, unless your like Cheri whose extensions are FABUOUS and amazing. =]. But really I need to stop talking to boys altogether and focus on moving and getting a job. Because a boy cant get me either. I think that I wanna be single for a while when I get there. I mean, I wont know anyone, so its not like id be talking to guys all the time. Idk. Who knows, I might find love there. But in my heart, I know I wanna be alone for a while. But thatís just me saying it, I donít know if Iíll be able to keep my word about it but I really hope I do. Thatíd be most beneficial.
Iím definitely trying to save up some money. And its not going so well. But on Friday, ill have had some things paid off and so I won't have to spend as much on things. Or not spend any money at all. I've
been bringing lunches to work, so that I don't spend money at this damn food court. Saving money AND less empty calories, big plus. =D. Jennifer has been in England for 2 weeks and I've been taking up her hrs and good golly its a lot. I worked 48 hrs last week. =/. Hopefully ill have a big pay off this Friday and ill feel more relieved about my money situation... BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I CAN SPEND IT ON UNNECESSARY THINGS! And that's what I need to keep telling myself. And definitely my boss has quit his job just a couple days ago and so im hoping to get a lot of hours these last 3 weeks. I would really like to save up at LEAST $1,000 - $2,000 for my move. Hopefully that'll be enough, you know?
I also really hate it when people talk politics with me, like, I know my shit, I know the candidates and what they do and the pros and cons about both, I don't need you to educate me about things. I have my own mind. I hate it when my friends go and start saying shit on McCain and Palin. Shit, I like them, YOU don't have to. I don't need to hear about their bullshit, I already know. You think that just because I support them means I look at all the good things and then I don't look at their bad assets? No. Iím not stupid. I do know their faults, and I know Obama's faults and forte's too. I definitely don't need education on that, so
SHUT THE FUCK UP. I like who I like and you can't change that. You can't please everyone!
On that note, donít comment me about politics. I have my opinions, you have yours, Iím not trying to piss anyone off. Iíve already lost a lot of friends because of it.
XOXO Gossip Girl.
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moving to texassss. =]
Saturday. 8.30.08 6:30 pm
Hey guys. So definitely, im moving to Fort Worth, Texas... my hometown, my birthplace, my roots. Im really excited to go, but im really scared too.
It all started a couple days ago when me and my mom got into this huge fight after she found out that I lost my ID card again. She cussed me out, telling me that I am irresponsible and I never help out around the house, that my job sucks, and other bullshit. she yelled at me about finding another job, and I told her that I've been looking and she had the nerve! To tell me the most hateful words someone could say to me, and it was like a big ol jab in the heart... did those words come from my mother? Did they really? .... fuckk, they did. And it just hurts that they did... a lot, and I think about it and it makes my stomach churn... ughh... then she told me that I should go move to Texas to my auntie Maribel in Houston and that she'd help me... and that I make it seem like I hate her and don't respect her because I don't listen to what she says and that I give her like a devilish look. But I don't hate her, like at all, if fact, I love my mom with all my heart, she gave me life, she provided for me, she could've left me with my dad back in Guam but she put a roof over my head, and I could never thank her enough.
But in my defense, I know I give a mean mug, but that's just me, and I listen loud and clear, but I just don't wanna listen to some bullshit if its all just gonna be about how I can't survive unless I have my parents or unless I join the military... just because my dad and my step dad were in it, like what makes you think id want to join it? Yeah, its gonna be a lot of money and they'll pay for my school and ill have a job and blah blah blah, but what I really want to be is happy, and will joining the military make me happy? I don't know, and I don't really wanna find out, its just not for me and I know it isn't.
And so I considered going to Texas, but not to Houston, right after me and my mom got into that huge fight. I called my cousin over there and talked to them about it and they loved the idea, they said they would help me find a job, introduce me to new people, help me redirect my life.
I thought about it a lot, and I found out that... my mom is right. I live in a kinda small town, where im familiar with everything and everyone, with a jank ass job, and there's not very many places tofind a job here either. School is a pain, and will always be a pain, I know a lot of the people, and it just... lemme see, ok... lemme put it this way... I feel like, im so familiar with this place that I just don't care about things, and I know ways to get by, and im not progressing in life. I feel like a slacker, and its not a good feeling. =[. And I feel like if I get pushed into a situation where I need to do stuff on my own, ill stuggle, but ill do it, and ill get by.
And you know, it might not work out over at Texas, and I talked to my parents about it, and they said that I could come back. We actually took the time to talk it through. And im glad I did. I really wanna make it on my own, and I think Texas will help me through it... I really hope so. I really hope I find solace, and myself and love in Texas.
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goddamn you adrian
Saturday. 7.19.08 8:43 pm
soooo basically today was blahhh. work work work. i got a stain on my shirt which isn't going away and its kinda pissing me off. but whatevs. i'm gonna go to this party tonight that Ivan invited me too and it's being hosted at this kids hizzouse or something like that but hopefully it'll be fun. but honestly, i could care less for it.
blahh. i havent talked to Nate all day. and i think he's mad at me. but i do know that he's chillin with his aunt or something. ah well. it's all good in the hood.
sooo i found out that i'm an overly jealous person. how? because i went to the midnight screening of The Dark Knight which was FUGGGGGGIN' amazing as shit and i loved it. =]. but i invited Ivan along with us and he sat next to Nate and then we all start talking and its a good old time... but then he starts txting him on my phone... then i take it back from him and i keep it for myself txting my other friends. and then he takes Ivans phone and then they have this coversation on his phone and im sitting there FUMING... like completely livid. but i'm like "whatever Adrian, just let it go. it doesn't matter. he's leaving in a couple of weeks so you wont have to be hung up on him for very long." and it TOTALLY sucks because i'm attached... he's i admit. i got attached to him, even though i said i am swearing off guys for a while... hypocritical Adrian went and got himself hung up on some guy who he met like a couple weeks ago whose moving back to NY in a week and a half.
like this is how hung up i am, im making him a scarf, a multi colored scarf, im throwing him a party next friday, i'm taking hella pix so that i could make him a scrapbook for when he goes back and stuff. like... how pathetic is that? but idon't really care. i wanna do it because thats what friends do... well thats what i do for MY friends because ilike to believe im a good friend. but he doesn't want me. i bet he doesn't even like me. but whatever, i told him since he was moving that i'll show him a good time. but lately i've just been cold and bitchy to him. which i totally regret because he prolly doesn't like me even more now. but whatever. i have good intentions for it but thats nnot really a good excuse, i should be a better friend and just hiding my feelings and just keeping to myself. but i can't. im a very complicated person and i realized that. i realized that i cant have a relationship and i wanna be alone. i kinda wish i didn't have feelings for anyone so i could go on living my life by myself. im young! im turning 19 August 1st and i have my whole life ahead of me. i just need to concentrate on the more important things than having a relationship with someone. and i want someone to punch me in the face if i get into another relationship within the next month. LITERALLY.
but a good friend isnt a bitch to their friends... thatsmore of enemies, and i wanna be far from an enemy. and i feel really guilty about it. =[. im so stupid. i wanna talk to him, but im afraid of what he'll say... maybe somethings are better left unsaid. but iknow that in my heart, he's leaving so soon and im gonna hate seeing him go and i know why i was being short, and bitchy, and cold to him... it's because i dont wanna say goodbye and i;m trying to unattach myself so that it wont hurt as bad when he leaves.... and thats terrible. i shouldn't be doing that. i should be spending as much time with him as i can and letting him have fun but i dont wanna say goodbye... i really dont.... it hurts too much to even think about it. jeezus adrian.
im gonna go finish making that scarf now.
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